I just reread the last two entries, and I have to say I am disappointed in myself. Of course I am glad that I am not around that particular person anymore, but only because we've grown apart. The things that we were both interested in were either childish, or we've just lost interest in them. There are moments when I think about past times spent with her, and wonder if we could ever hang out like we used to, stay up all night talking about nonsense, go camping... but I don't think that could happen. We're just too different now.
If I see her, I won't avoid her. By the same token, however, I won't go out of my way to make contact. And it's sad, because we were so close. She helped me with so many things. Depression, some suicidal thoughts... she was there to talk to because she felt those things, too. We could lean on each other, and that was nice. If I ever needed an escape form my house, I could always go to hers and she to mine if the situation was reversed. Through our teenage years we were practically inseparable.
But people change, ideals strengthen or are lost or gained. She became very confusing to understand, switching from one thing to another. But she is happy now, with the people she has surrounded herself with. And I am happy with the few I have kept close.
I feel much better now, Diary. Like I've ridded myself of a darkness - a bitterness - and it feels good. I feel lighter. I'm trying to turn my life around. No, that's a poor choice of words. What I'm trying to do is put it in a more reasonable direction, to a place where I will be happier. I've been so unhappy for the longest time, I need to start actually living, not just going through the motions of what a life should look like.
And truthfully, I'm excited about that...
-JL
